THE YEAR Of (hell) YES!

  I have let myself go. And I don't just mean in a physical way. For too long I have let my mind tell me things about myself that were simply not true. I started to inwardly criticize every inch of my body, but I never made an effort to change anything about my appearance. I can't even blame having a baby anymore because the kid is twelve years old. Fashion used to be my happy place. There was a time when I was so confident that I could pull off anything. A time when I really enjoyed getting dressed and exploring new trends.

Over the last few years that feeling just disappeared and there is a multitude of reasons for that. Because my mental health was declining, I spent more time indoors. Pair that with a job that took almost all  my time and all I wanted to do in my spare time was rest. Needless to say I put on extra weight. Now don't get me wrong, the fact that I put on weight was not the issue. The issue was that I didn't like my body at all. I loathed getting dressed just as much as I disliked exercise. Naturally, when I did go out, I would be on the receiving end of a few snide remarks. That made me want to go into hibernation and never return. At first I thought I could use those remarks to fuel my passion to get fit. That feeling was rather short-lived and the hatred for my body grew stronger. The problem with doing things to prove to other people is that they become your main focus.

Here I was trying to prove to everyone that I could get back to looking good (by society standards) and resenting my body for not complying. I was a disaster. I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered the change, but a few months ago I decided to be kinder to myself. After two years of living through a pandemic, the things and opinions that seemed important once, suddenly didn't. I started be more aware of the dialogue I was having with myself. If I could not be decent towards myself, how did I expect anyone else to be? I started eating better and my son became my work out buddy. We have started doing not-so-strenuous workouts 5 days a week and I thank God for him. Half of the time I am laughing so much that I forget how much I used to despise any kind of movement. I am also more conscious about what I put into my body. I'm not dieting, but everyday I  crave healthy food more and more. And of course I reward myself for making these changes because even just starting was difficult. 

The biggest change I have made so far is my mindset. It struck me one day that what people thought of my was not currency. I could not buy anything with anyone's approval and even if I did have it, it certainly did not add any value to my life. Sadly, most of the time the people trying to bring you down (whether on purpose or not) are those  closest to you and I have had to start avoiding certain people as well. Listen, you can't control how people view you or how much they respect you ,but you can control what you allow and what you expose yourself to. In time, perhaps negative comments will not bother me, but for now my healing process is still in it's infancy and needs to be protected and nurtured .

This year is a year of completely demolishing every single harmful habit and rebuilding. From the ground up. It's a year of showing myself the same grace that I show others. It's a year of knowing that I too deserve kindness and goodness. It's the year of HELL yes!

These images are from a campaign I did for Bramley Cosmeticts 
recently. I love them so much!

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

DON'T get over it!

These last few weeks have been a lot for me. I've been going through some changes. Some growing pains that I was initially so excited about. These changes were going to make life as it was better for me. Was I thankful? Of course! But somehow I didn't anticipate just how the change would impact my mental health. I thrive when I am on a routine and, whenever that routine is disturbed, I spiral. That's why I make lists, I don't like last minute plans and I am very particular about how I spend my days.

Ultimately, I felt like  I was being a little ungrateful. Maybe I was. This amazing thing just happened to my family and I was grumpy and struggling to adjust. I didn't want to be ungrateful but, somehow I could not control these feelings. That's just it. I needed to feel exactly what I was feeling and acknowledge that it was there to stay. I needed to understand the reason behind my feelings. You see, for the last couple of years I have been advocating really hard for being positive in every situation. That was for my own benefit. Whenever I feel myself slipping back into that abyss of depression I immediately break out the old bag of happy tricks. I "self care" the feeling away until it is nothing but a memory.

Lately, that hasn't been working quite as brilliantly as it used to. This was not one of those emotions I could not cover up with gratitude lists and motivational quotes. This required me to get honest and uncomfortable. It would seem that I needed to switch up my form of self care again. Now I am not saying that keeping a positive mind about situations is no longer helping but, in this instance it wasn't the best solution for me.

I didn't want to simply get over it. I wanted to get through and never re-visit the feeling again. I felt like I was well within my rights for wanting to wallow in my sorrows for a bit. As long as you do not let it consume your life, feel what you need to feel. Do not pay attention to people saying that your problems are minor in comparison to others. This year alone has been more than any of us bargained for so I say you don't need to get over it. Not right away anyway .

 I've taken the last few days to really filter through what I was actually feeling and it turns out I wasn't ungrateful. I was just scared of the change. I have been forced into making changes for the last two years and it had taken its toll on me. After admitting that I wasn't sure I wanted more changes, I could start to embrace it.  I'm taking it one day at a time but, I'm really happy that I was able to be honest with myself. Do you need to have the same awkward conversation with yourself?

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

Take a minute...

 Over the last two years I have heard the word "self love" more than I count. I saw it on every blog, in every tweet and as countless hashtags. Even television jumped on the bandwagon trying to convince us to buy products in the name of self love. I have to admit, at first, I associated the term with luxury and opulence. Shopping sprees to mend the heart or a vacation on a yacht to ease the mind. However, while I do like nice things, I found that self love showed up in a different form for me. And the same goes for everyone. Some might find a lavish bath and a glass of wine a form of self care while for others it simply means switching off their phones. 

It took me a long time to figure out where my peace actually comes from. Self love is not always grand. I've come to realise that for me the smallest things can make a difference. These are a few things I do when I start to feel overwhelmed.

* I read a book. Even just a few pages allow me to focus on something else for a bit. More often than not I get so lost in the book that it feels like my brain had a little vacation. There are few things I enjoy as much as a good thriller.

*I re-watch a series that I liked. If I know a series  put me in a good mood before I watch it again to experience that same feeling. It might seem silly but, knowing what is going to happen puts my mind at ease.

*I take care of my hair. My favourite thing to do is wash and braid my hair. The tedious process requires a lot of time and I always feel like I have accomplished something big when I am done. When lockdown started and I couldn't visit my hairdresser I had to learn how to braid my own hair using YouTube videos and I love that I managed to get it right.

* I paint my nails. Now this might seem like a really small thing but, for me it isn't. Painting my nails and waiting for it to dry requires me to sit and do nothing for a few minutes whether I want to or not. Doing nothing does not come easy to me because I always feel guilty. When I am painting my nails, however, I have no choice.

*I work on my blog. I started my blog while I was at varsity as part of a project and after that I just kind of neglected it. These last two years my blog really became an escape for me. I stopped focusing on the numbers started zoning in on the feeling that publishing a post gave me. Again, it felt like I had really accomplished something big every time I hit that "publish" button.

*I pray. My religion is a crucial part of how I survived this year. It brought me a sense of comfort and hope and it was a feeling that I couldn't get from anywhere or anyone else. I have started to make reading the bible and praying an essential part of my self care routine.

*I talk to my son. I put this point last because it is definitely the most important. If you know me personally, you know that my almost 11 year old son is my world. He is kind, funny and wise beyond his years. Whenever I am in a bad mood or I feel myself slipping into that dark hole of depression, I talk to him. He never fails to put life into perspective for me and, whenever I am in his company, I realize just how blessed I am.

Self care might look different to all of us but, I urge you to find your own groove and really think about what brings you peace of mind. The media will always try to sell us on a certain 'type' of self love but, it is important to remember that it is about you and only YOU. I hope you take the time to figure out what self love means to you and when you discover exactly what you need, I hope you have the guts to stick to it without apologies.

TILL LATER, LAUREN!

Saying NO and the price of peace.

 

Image from www.dreamstime.com

I have always been a people pleaser. I would go out of my way to make sure no one would ever accuse me of being inconsiderate. I think part of the reason I was always so accommodating no matter what was because I wanted to steer clear of conflict at all costs. But, I have come to realize something. While I was making sure everyone else was pleased, I was unhappy. And severely so. It never occurred to me that conflict was not only necessary at times but, also crucial to my inner peace and ultimately my happiness.

As a mother, putting your own needs last come effortlessly: second nature. And that is very well when it comes to your child or children, but what about everyone else? Should I really be putting everyone else’s needs before my own? There’s this myth that women should always be ready to sacrifice and I have witnessed this multiple times. We don’t always do what we want to; we do what we HAVE to. We have been fashioned to think that women should be willing and able to give easily, without any question and to any degree. And, if we don’t, we end up feeling guilt ridden.  “Identify a need or want, and you will probably find a woman willing to take responsibility for it.” (Vermeulen,S. 2011. ELLE). I say be a little selfish from time to time.  Say no to this favour or to that thing you have to do for your cousin’s friend. If it is not making you happy or making you feel even vaguely good, feel free to refuse.

It’s been a very difficult thing for me to do; saying no. People tend to treat you differently when you finally muster up the courage to say no and, as someone who suffers from depression, sudden changes in behavior towards me is very triggering. I have experienced this a ton especially when it comes to family and friends. I've noticed that the less I care about pleasing everyone, the more people have started to accuse me of being distant, unbothered or even a bad friend.   But, I can tell you it has been both liberating and eye opening at the same time. Now I am not saying you should suddenly run around saying no to everyone. You don't have to be reckless with people's feelings, just more mindful of your own. Just be aware that you do have the option to say no and to not feel any kind of shame for it. Real friends will stick around whether you are able to do things for them or not.  And the rest...well who needs the excess baggage? 

 TILL LATER, LAUREN!