That seems to be the case for me. Let me start by saying, had it not been for a near death experience, I would certainly not be writing this post. I suppose that's how many of these stories start. With some life altering event catapulting you in to changing your old ways . I liked who I was when I was drinking which is probably why I failed twice before at my attempts to stay sober. Not that I was exactly binge drinking every day, but it became increasingly difficult to not want to liven up every occasion with alcohol. A quick lunch, a sports gathering and even a regular old movie night. These events all felt rather bland without a drink or 6.
Like I said, when I had alcohol in my system: I was amazing. Confident, funny, charming and very interesting. At least that is what I thought. Somehow I had convinced myself that that was the best version of me. A couple of drinks in and I felt like Rihanna. No really, that was literally my alter ego. But the high was fleeting and the following day brought a mixture of regret and disgust. I don't know if its just me, but when you get older, you just don't recover the same way anymore.
The most difficult part for me when it came to quitting alcohol was learning how to like my sober self. This was no easy task because, when you are sober, all the things you find undesirable about yourself becomes illuminated. I found myself excruciatingly dull when I was sober. I couldn't make jokes, lacked the confidence to hold conversations and I couldn't dance. That last one really annoyed me because I loved dancing, but when I was sober, I was too self conscious to do it and enjoy it. My appearance was also suffering. I never had the energy to work out and when you are hungover, taking care of your appearance is rather low on your to do list. Not to mention the post drinking depression left little room for anything else. The smallest tasks became tedious.
I suppose my main reason for writing this post is for accountability. By that I mean I am holding myself accountable this time and not doing it for the benefit of others. My sobriety is still in its infancy and who knows how long I will stay on the wagon, but I am finally starting to appreciate who I am as a sober person. I am still fun and not just reckless. I'm not only learning to hold meaningful conversations, I also remember what was said during these conversations. I have time and energy to enjoy new hobbies and take new online courses. I am learning that I am pretty amazing whether I am drinking or not.
I even danced in public the other day!
TILL LATER, LAUREN!
Disclaimer : not everyone's journey will be the same. Some will find it nearly impossible to quit. If you suspect you have a alcohol abuse problem, there is no shame in seeking professional help. Reach out and get the support you deserve.
