I have let myself go. And I don't just mean in a physical way. For too long I have let my mind tell me things about myself that were simply not true. I started to inwardly criticize every inch of my body, but I never made an effort to change anything about my appearance. I can't even blame having a baby anymore because the kid is twelve years old. Fashion used to be my happy place. There was a time when I was so confident that I could pull off anything. A time when I really enjoyed getting dressed and exploring new trends.
Over the last few years that feeling just disappeared and there is a multitude of reasons for that. Because my mental health was declining, I spent more time indoors. Pair that with a job that took almost all my time and all I wanted to do in my spare time was rest. Needless to say I put on extra weight. Now don't get me wrong, the fact that I put on weight was not the issue. The issue was that I didn't like my body at all. I loathed getting dressed just as much as I disliked exercise. Naturally, when I did go out, I would be on the receiving end of a few snide remarks. That made me want to go into hibernation and never return. At first I thought I could use those remarks to fuel my passion to get fit. That feeling was rather short-lived and the hatred for my body grew stronger. The problem with doing things to prove to other people is that they become your main focus.
Here I was trying to prove to everyone that I could get back to looking good (by society standards) and resenting my body for not complying. I was a disaster. I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered the change, but a few months ago I decided to be kinder to myself. After two years of living through a pandemic, the things and opinions that seemed important once, suddenly didn't. I started be more aware of the dialogue I was having with myself. If I could not be decent towards myself, how did I expect anyone else to be? I started eating better and my son became my work out buddy. We have started doing not-so-strenuous workouts 5 days a week and I thank God for him. Half of the time I am laughing so much that I forget how much I used to despise any kind of movement. I am also more conscious about what I put into my body. I'm not dieting, but everyday I crave healthy food more and more. And of course I reward myself for making these changes because even just starting was difficult.
The biggest change I have made so far is my mindset. It struck me one day that what people thought of my was not currency. I could not buy anything with anyone's approval and even if I did have it, it certainly did not add any value to my life. Sadly, most of the time the people trying to bring you down (whether on purpose or not) are those closest to you and I have had to start avoiding certain people as well. Listen, you can't control how people view you or how much they respect you ,but you can control what you allow and what you expose yourself to. In time, perhaps negative comments will not bother me, but for now my healing process is still in it's infancy and needs to be protected and nurtured .
This year is a year of completely demolishing every single harmful habit and rebuilding. From the ground up. It's a year of showing myself the same grace that I show others. It's a year of knowing that I too deserve kindness and goodness. It's the year of HELL yes!
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| These images are from a campaign I did for Bramley Cosmeticts recently. I love them so much! |
TILL LATER, LAUREN!
