THE YEAR Of (hell) YES!

  I have let myself go. And I don't just mean in a physical way. For too long I have let my mind tell me things about myself that were simply not true. I started to inwardly criticize every inch of my body, but I never made an effort to change anything about my appearance. I can't even blame having a baby anymore because the kid is twelve years old. Fashion used to be my happy place. There was a time when I was so confident that I could pull off anything. A time when I really enjoyed getting dressed and exploring new trends.

Over the last few years that feeling just disappeared and there is a multitude of reasons for that. Because my mental health was declining, I spent more time indoors. Pair that with a job that took almost all  my time and all I wanted to do in my spare time was rest. Needless to say I put on extra weight. Now don't get me wrong, the fact that I put on weight was not the issue. The issue was that I didn't like my body at all. I loathed getting dressed just as much as I disliked exercise. Naturally, when I did go out, I would be on the receiving end of a few snide remarks. That made me want to go into hibernation and never return. At first I thought I could use those remarks to fuel my passion to get fit. That feeling was rather short-lived and the hatred for my body grew stronger. The problem with doing things to prove to other people is that they become your main focus.

Here I was trying to prove to everyone that I could get back to looking good (by society standards) and resenting my body for not complying. I was a disaster. I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered the change, but a few months ago I decided to be kinder to myself. After two years of living through a pandemic, the things and opinions that seemed important once, suddenly didn't. I started be more aware of the dialogue I was having with myself. If I could not be decent towards myself, how did I expect anyone else to be? I started eating better and my son became my work out buddy. We have started doing not-so-strenuous workouts 5 days a week and I thank God for him. Half of the time I am laughing so much that I forget how much I used to despise any kind of movement. I am also more conscious about what I put into my body. I'm not dieting, but everyday I  crave healthy food more and more. And of course I reward myself for making these changes because even just starting was difficult. 

The biggest change I have made so far is my mindset. It struck me one day that what people thought of my was not currency. I could not buy anything with anyone's approval and even if I did have it, it certainly did not add any value to my life. Sadly, most of the time the people trying to bring you down (whether on purpose or not) are those  closest to you and I have had to start avoiding certain people as well. Listen, you can't control how people view you or how much they respect you ,but you can control what you allow and what you expose yourself to. In time, perhaps negative comments will not bother me, but for now my healing process is still in it's infancy and needs to be protected and nurtured .

This year is a year of completely demolishing every single harmful habit and rebuilding. From the ground up. It's a year of showing myself the same grace that I show others. It's a year of knowing that I too deserve kindness and goodness. It's the year of HELL yes!

These images are from a campaign I did for Bramley Cosmeticts 
recently. I love them so much!

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

LIFE : Keep it moving

 

2021 has been a difficult year. And difficult is so much of an understatement. But, while it might seem easier, therapeutic even, to complain about the year that damn near brought me to my knees, I’ll take a rain check for now.  What I will say however is that 2021 was one big (albeit painful) lesson. One realization that was particularly hard to digest was the fact that most of the time; I am my own worst enemy.  I discovered that I am the only one holding myself back from living the life that I want to live. Yes, that was a bitter pill to swallow but; it was also a necessary one.

However this post is not about my tumultuous 2021 but, rather why I am looking forward to the 2022 . I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions because I normally fall back into my old habits so easily and then I end up feeling even worse for failing at my resolutions. The only thing I want to focus on this year is radiating and attracting positive energy. There have been a lot of times last year where I have made excuses and let myself down. I have also been too focused on other people’s opinions of me and what other people had been accomplishing. I’ve decided that this year I am only going to put in the work and trust the process. We are all on our own timelines and while it might be bittersweet, learning to clap when others win is essential to one’s peace. I look forward to my journey, my process this year. Not just the end result.

I also get to plan my dream wedding this year which I am ecstatic about. I have heard a ton of horror stories about the stress of planning a wedding and what it can do to a relationship but, I am confident that my fiancé and I can both remain sane while doing this.

Then there is my little blog. Up to now it has been more of an escape to me: a hobby that’s become my therapy.  And while it will always be that, I would love to do more look posts as well as work with a few of my favourite brands. And who knows where that could lead. I feel like I should have my site redone first though. It just doesn’t fit my personality or aesthetic anymore.

Lastly, but most importantly, my gorgeous son is happy and healthy. As someone who has been battling with depression for the longest time I cannot express the wonders it does to my soul knowing that I am able to take care of and provide for my son. I’ve been a single mom for most of the kid’s life and that sh*t is hard. There are no office hours and often you receive unsolicited advice and comments from people who do not even have dogs (let alone children). My son brings so much delight and love into my life that every single struggle is worth it. It gives me such purpose.

Ok enough with the sentimental stories. My point is, even with 2021 being one big uncomfortable roller-coaster ride; there is always something to look forward to. There is always hope. And while there is hope, there is always something to be thankful for. 

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

LIFE: Boundaries

 

Why am I always tired? As an adult, this is a  question I frequently ask myself. No amount of sleep or self care can take the feeling away. Am I doing something wrong? I have been struggling to feel at least somewhat human over the last two years. I feel like the pandemic has taken everything from me, but I have personally been facing a bigger pandemic: I have no boundaries.

As a mom, being a caretaker comes naturally, but I feel my issue goes back even further than that. As the oldest sibling, I was always making sure my brother was taken care of. This is just what older siblings do. As soon as said sibling grows up or can take care of themselves, you kind of just latch onto someone new to take care of. My problem is that I don't stop. If I don't take care of somebody, I need to take care of something. In other words, doing nothing really doesn't sit well with me. I am not sure how many of you can relate, but I feel really guilty whenever I find  myself with nothing to do or simply just resting. This has been coming back to bite me in the ass lately. Like I said, I am always tired.

The last few weeks I have really been trying to be a little more selfish in terms of how I allocate my time, and how much of it I spend taking care of myself. Something needs to change drastically. I will probably always feel the urge to take care of the people I love no matter how old they are, but I need to dial it back a bit before my cup runs empty.

How I am going to do this? I am not sure. So I hope you were not expecting some sort of resolution in this post. I just needed to admit, out loud and on paper, that I lack boundaries. I am aware of that now. The next few weeks I going to actively look for ways to pour back into myself. Whatever that looks like.

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

One of us is Lying!

 I love books that become series. Especially if I really enjoyed the book. My new favourite thing to do is to check whether a series I want to watch has a book by the same name or not . Yes I know, I need to get out more. I was delighted to discover that this was the case with "One of us is Lying". From start to finish this book captured me, so much so that I decided to completely abandon the series in fear of it spoiling the book.

Disclaimer: This book review may contain spoilers so if you wish to avoid them, do not keep reading. Otherwise, let's dive in. All views in this post are my own.

FIVE STUDENTS WALK INTO DETENTION. ONLY FOUR LEAVE ALIVE.

Yale hopeful Bronwyn has never publicly broken a rule.

Sports star Cooper only knows what he's doing in the baseball diamond.

Bad boy Nate is one misstep away from a life of crime.

Prom queen Addy is holding together the cracks in her perfect life.

And outsider Simon, creator of the notorious gossip app at Bayview High, wont ever talk about any of them again.

He dies 24 hours before he could post their deepest secrets online. Investigators conclude it's no accident. All of them are suspects.

Everyone has secrets, right?

What really matters is how far you'll go to protect them.

Although the book was published a while back, May 2017 to be exact, I only discovered it recently and I think it definitely deservers a review. Young adult fiction is slowly starting to become one of my favourite genres.

So by now you have probably gathered that this is a teenage thriller of sorts. I was not too excited  about that being an adult and all, but I was pleasantly surprised. Although a bulk of the story is set at Bayview High school, their is nothing childish about the dialogue. I could relate to and understand the actions of the characters.  They were all dealing with situations that most of us can still relate to and I found myself wondering a handful of times how I would react in that moment.

 My favourite character was Nate. Even though he had an amazingly difficult  childhood, and still has to deal with demons of his past everyday, there is a softness to him. I enjoyed seeing how the relationship between him and Bronwyn developed because they were such polar opposites. There were so many issues that were discussed in the book that I wish was exposed to as a teenager. I was certainly triggered by the role social media plays in everyone's life in the book. Things that did not seem so bad at first were amplified by this gossip site that Simon ran and the consequences were dire.

 I had my suspicions about who the killer was (although I doubted that with every chapter), but I never could have predicted that ending. I loved seeing how events from the past were all tied together. Overall, I am really happy I gave this book a chance. I have given up on the series because it differs so much from the idea I had in my head. I suppose that is not such a bad thing, but because I like the book so much, I would like keep it the way I had it in my thoughts.

I realise this book review might differ from the ones you normally read or might not seem as formal but, since I'm new to doing book reviews , I really wanted it to sound like I was just chatting to a friend. I look forward to doing many more in the future. What are you currently reading?

TILL LATER,LAUREN!

Empties : What made the cut?

I'm ecstatic to finally be sharing my second installment of my "empties" series. The first one was done a while ago because, like I said, I insist on finishing all my products. My budget and my bank balance simply does not allow me to do otherwise. Before we jump into today's post, read my previous "empties" post  here. 

The products I am saying goodbye to today are some of my absolute favourite and I am glad I get the opportunity to share them with you. 

 

CLARINS one step gentle exfoliating cleanser

This cleanser was such a pleasure to use. If you have read my initial  review here, you know how happy I was when I received this as part of a free gift. The 30ml lasted quite some time because you really only need a little bit to achieve results . The smell of orange extract is so refreshing especially in the morning. I am definitely considering getting a full size one. 

NEUTROGENA Hydro Boost water gel

This is literally the best thing I have ever used. I am not even being dramatic. I have never heard anyone say anything bad about this water gel and with good reason. The gel is so lightweight that it absorbs almost immediately. But dont be fooled by that, it leaves your skin feeling hydrated, nourished and supple. You are welcome to read my full review here

Ultimate Originals stimulating growth oil

This gorgeous oil has become such a staple since I started transitioning. It helps repair and moisturize the hair and it has become my savior when protective styling. I apply it directly to my scalp most of the time, but I also mix it my hair mist sometimes. I'm sure this particular oil will remain in my hair care regime for a long while.

YVES SAINT LAURENT's Manifesto L'elixir perfume

I am really sad that this perfume is finished. When I first received it as a gift I did not anticipate that I would love it this much. The smell is perfectly intoxicating. I have had it for a while so I am not even sure if YSL still makes it, but I will definitely purchase it if I get my hands on it.

That's it for today's post .Do you spot any products you enjoy as well in this post? What is on your empties list? I would love to hear from you.

TILL LATER,LAUREN!

Take a minute...

 Over the last two years I have heard the word "self love" more than I count. I saw it on every blog, in every tweet and as countless hashtags. Even television jumped on the bandwagon trying to convince us to buy products in the name of self love. I have to admit, at first, I associated the term with luxury and opulence. Shopping sprees to mend the heart or a vacation on a yacht to ease the mind. However, while I do like nice things, I found that self love showed up in a different form for me. And the same goes for everyone. Some might find a lavish bath and a glass of wine a form of self care while for others it simply means switching off their phones. 

It took me a long time to figure out where my peace actually comes from. Self love is not always grand. I've come to realise that for me the smallest things can make a difference. These are a few things I do when I start to feel overwhelmed.

* I read a book. Even just a few pages allow me to focus on something else for a bit. More often than not I get so lost in the book that it feels like my brain had a little vacation. There are few things I enjoy as much as a good thriller.

*I re-watch a series that I liked. If I know a series  put me in a good mood before I watch it again to experience that same feeling. It might seem silly but, knowing what is going to happen puts my mind at ease.

*I take care of my hair. My favourite thing to do is wash and braid my hair. The tedious process requires a lot of time and I always feel like I have accomplished something big when I am done. When lockdown started and I couldn't visit my hairdresser I had to learn how to braid my own hair using YouTube videos and I love that I managed to get it right.

* I paint my nails. Now this might seem like a really small thing but, for me it isn't. Painting my nails and waiting for it to dry requires me to sit and do nothing for a few minutes whether I want to or not. Doing nothing does not come easy to me because I always feel guilty. When I am painting my nails, however, I have no choice.

*I work on my blog. I started my blog while I was at varsity as part of a project and after that I just kind of neglected it. These last two years my blog really became an escape for me. I stopped focusing on the numbers started zoning in on the feeling that publishing a post gave me. Again, it felt like I had really accomplished something big every time I hit that "publish" button.

*I pray. My religion is a crucial part of how I survived this year. It brought me a sense of comfort and hope and it was a feeling that I couldn't get from anywhere or anyone else. I have started to make reading the bible and praying an essential part of my self care routine.

*I talk to my son. I put this point last because it is definitely the most important. If you know me personally, you know that my almost 11 year old son is my world. He is kind, funny and wise beyond his years. Whenever I am in a bad mood or I feel myself slipping into that dark hole of depression, I talk to him. He never fails to put life into perspective for me and, whenever I am in his company, I realize just how blessed I am.

Self care might look different to all of us but, I urge you to find your own groove and really think about what brings you peace of mind. The media will always try to sell us on a certain 'type' of self love but, it is important to remember that it is about you and only YOU. I hope you take the time to figure out what self love means to you and when you discover exactly what you need, I hope you have the guts to stick to it without apologies.

TILL LATER, LAUREN!

Empties: The good, bad and ugly #1

 I love a good empties post. To me it says that the blogger actually loved the product enough to finish it. I am also not a fan of wasting anything which is why I use all my products up until the last drop. Granted, if it irritates your skin or your foundation is oxidizing I can definitely see why you would stop. I would too.

Like I said I tend to finish all my products so this post will be relatively short and I will most likely not be doing an "empties" post too often. Nevertheless, I have recently finished a few products and I would like to share them with you. Let's start with Tresemme's Botanic moisture & replenish shampoo. I initially bought this shampoo when I started to transition from relaxed hair to natural hair. The fact that it contains coconut milk and aloe vera made it seem like it would be really gentle on my hair. It smells amazing and while it did a great job of cleansing and softening my hair, I wont be repurchasing it. I just want to try a few other products first and who knows, I might circle back to it. 

Dark & Lovely's Au Naturale Moisture Right deep nourishing hair mask really blew me away. Apart from the delicious smell, I was really pleased with the results. The mask contains African Shea butter and almond oil so I was left with soft, hydrated, beautifully defined curls. No doubt that this one will stay part of my hair care routine for a long time. This is perfect for my new hair journey.

This Isabella Garcia 3 in 1 nourishing night cream was a gift from my mom. It's suitable for all skin types so, if you are looking for a luxurious night cream, this one is for you. It leaves my skin looking supple and cared for. Like I said I was gifted this product and with the pricing being a little too steep for my liking (and my purse) I dont think I am going to repurchase it. Nevertheless, if you can afford to splurge a bit you should definitely consider this night cream.

Lastly, this is probably the best lipstick I have ever used. You can read my full review Here . I really struggle to find single thing wrong with Maybelline's Super Stay Matte Ink lipstick. The colour pay off is amazing and it stays on forever but, you won't be found stiff lipped throughout the day. I can't wait to get it in every single colour. This is shade #15 Lover. 

So there you have it. The end of my first "empties" post. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it. Do you see any of your favourites in this post? Please share your comments and blog links with me. I look forward to hearing from you. 

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

Perspective: small victories

An article in one of the Glamour S.A. magazines titled "11 accomplishments that are bigger than they may seem" had me thinking. Why is it that we (and by we I mean me) emphasize our minor failures so much but, hardly celebrate the small victories? Are we hardwired to focus on what we lack so much so that we neglect to recognize accomplishments if they are not colossal? I have always had this thing where I silently compare my own victories to those of others. It's not something that I do on purpose, it's just human nature I guess. I suppose this makes my accomplishments feel slightly less significant.

Celebrating small victories is good for the soul. At least that is what I think. With everyone on social media living their best lives (and making sure we know), its almost impossible not to feel like you constantly have to prove yourself. Like you have to keep up with everyone and everything. This is exactly why giving yourself a pat on the back is essential. The pandemic made me realize that any victory is in fact a very big one. While people were losing their incomes, family members and sanity, I became more grateful for not only the small pleasures but, also the small victories. Getting out of bed felt like a victory. Getting through a day without hearing bad news felt like a victory. Being able to have a meal everyday felt like a victory. The things that I believed to be small and mundane turned out to be the big things after all. 

Celebrating the many things I achieve every day (no matter how small) makes me feel less depressed overall. This is something I know very well. To cope with my depression I started making lists of the things I was doing right. While this is no instant cure for depression, it helped me to take a step back and look at my problems from a different perspective. When I did fail at something, it didn't feel so major anymore. Instead it became learning opportunities. 

Look I'm not saying a habitual optimistic attitude will instantly fix all my problems but, at this point, what have I got to lose. I dare you to be more intentional about celebrating these small victories. You never know, they might actually turn out to be the BIG ones. 

TILL LATER, LAUREN! 

*I do not take credit for the images in this post. 

 

Saying NO and the price of peace.

 

Image from www.dreamstime.com

I have always been a people pleaser. I would go out of my way to make sure no one would ever accuse me of being inconsiderate. I think part of the reason I was always so accommodating no matter what was because I wanted to steer clear of conflict at all costs. But, I have come to realize something. While I was making sure everyone else was pleased, I was unhappy. And severely so. It never occurred to me that conflict was not only necessary at times but, also crucial to my inner peace and ultimately my happiness.

As a mother, putting your own needs last come effortlessly: second nature. And that is very well when it comes to your child or children, but what about everyone else? Should I really be putting everyone else’s needs before my own? There’s this myth that women should always be ready to sacrifice and I have witnessed this multiple times. We don’t always do what we want to; we do what we HAVE to. We have been fashioned to think that women should be willing and able to give easily, without any question and to any degree. And, if we don’t, we end up feeling guilt ridden.  “Identify a need or want, and you will probably find a woman willing to take responsibility for it.” (Vermeulen,S. 2011. ELLE). I say be a little selfish from time to time.  Say no to this favour or to that thing you have to do for your cousin’s friend. If it is not making you happy or making you feel even vaguely good, feel free to refuse.

It’s been a very difficult thing for me to do; saying no. People tend to treat you differently when you finally muster up the courage to say no and, as someone who suffers from depression, sudden changes in behavior towards me is very triggering. I have experienced this a ton especially when it comes to family and friends. I've noticed that the less I care about pleasing everyone, the more people have started to accuse me of being distant, unbothered or even a bad friend.   But, I can tell you it has been both liberating and eye opening at the same time. Now I am not saying you should suddenly run around saying no to everyone. You don't have to be reckless with people's feelings, just more mindful of your own. Just be aware that you do have the option to say no and to not feel any kind of shame for it. Real friends will stick around whether you are able to do things for them or not.  And the rest...well who needs the excess baggage? 

 TILL LATER, LAUREN!

Life lately :Instagram Round Up

It has been quite some time since I have done one of these Instagram round up posts. Let's just say life hasn't been very Instagram-able this year. Between mourning the loss of the year I thought it would have been and every one else seemingly returning back to normal: I was uninspired. And that's putting it mildly.

I'm not sure what I was expecting for 2021 but, it sure as hell was not this. I have been living in this limbo between preparing for the future and wondering exactly what that future would look like. To top it all off, my special birthday month (May) turned out to be bittersweet. More bitter that sweet I might add. However, it wasn't all bad. I have also been feeling a great sense of rebirth. You know when they demolish a building to put up a completely new one. That's the feeling. So in the spirit of that feeling I have decided to post about the moments that did in fact make it to Instagram. These tiny glimpses really made me smile these past few months. 

Lunch dates with my family will always make me happy.

 

An honest review on a product I adore. You can read it here

I love being a soccer mom and the kid is amazing at it. I'm ecstatic that he gets to play again.

I love impromptu beach dates and really like wearing this dress. It makes me feel sexy.

Going anywhere with this guy is fun and every now and then we remember to take a picture together.

The way to my heart :)

 I have been hesitant to do this post for a while with everything going on in the media but, having recently decided to ALWAYS put my mental health first (thank you Naomi Osaka), I felt like I needed this. I needed to be reminded to purposefully look for the little bits of magic in every day. I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember and I can say for sure expressing myself helps a lot. With that being said, I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my world. Please drop your Instagram handles in the comment section below and tell me what you think about this post. 

TILL LATER, LAUREN!

Let's get Candid! Revlon review.

My very first foundation was a Revlon one. I have a lot of fond memories of that foundation. For starters: it was the first foundation that actually fit my skin tone. I felt very sophisticated and grown up. Soon I started to venture in to other foundations and naturally other favourites arose. Which is why I was especially excited to take it back to basics for my latest review. When I saw the new Revlon Photoready CANDID foundation I had no idea that it even existed to begin with. Yes, I am not the coolest of bloggers.

Although the packaging was probably the drawing card for me ( I am only human) ,  I have to admit that the words "anti pollution foundation" was the thing that ultimately convinced my broke ass to buy the foundation. Apart from having an amazing natural finish, the foundation actually contains ingredients that protects against anti blue light aggressors. This refers to the light that emanates from digital devices such as computers and smart phones. It also leads to photo aging (aging from exposure to light) and considering the staggering amount of time we all spend on these devices; I figured it would probably do me some good to have even a little bit of protection.

There are so many things I love about the foundation. The texture is so creamy and blendable that it feels like you might be spreading butter across your face. (Not that I have ever done this but still). Just one layer gives you that barely there look. Although I like to add a little extra on my nose and underneath my eyes. The coverage is also amazing to me and all without that heavy feeling. I really hate when I am frequently aware that I am wearing foundation. I have mentioned the beautiful packaging but I want to take special moment to mention the pump/tube hybrid. It just makes life so much easier for me. No leakage and I get to control exactly how much product I use. All in all this my favourite Revlon foundation so far and I am going to keep repurchasing until Revlon decides to send me a complimentary stash. HA!

This little tube of love retails for R149,95 (22ml) and I am currently using shade 400 (Macadamia). The range also includes the Photoready Candid Concealer and Photoready Candid Setting Powder which I cannot wait to dip into. How are you liking the range?

TILL LATER, LAUREN!